I Propose a Toast
by TinyHippo
Summary: I was livin' it up with my besty-turned-housemate, enjoying the blissful freedom that came with an adult out of the house. Then I ended up smacking somebody in the face with a cactus and housing ten S-Ranked criminals. Cheers, to the universe and its strange ways of finding humor in my misery. :-:-:-:-:-:-: Warning: Language & crude humor / Pairings undecided / I don't own Naruto
1. Chapter 1

"Oh, holy _shit! _Somebody stab the fucker!" I shouted, running away from the invader.

"Die, bitch!" Savvy yelled, thoroughly impaling him through the back with my two hundred dollar Final Fantasy Noctis Sword.

"Ow, you bitch!"

"Dammit, he's still not dead! Gimme something pointy! I don't care, pass me the fucking cactus!" I yelled, reaching for said potted plant in the corner of the room.

"**The cactus has a name**, you know," spoke the plant that was, in fact, a person.

"HOLY SHIT, THE CACTUS IS ALIVE!"

"That's not my cactus, Dani! My cactus is right here!" Savvy said, picking up her one of her many potted cacti.

"Then _throw the fucker at him!_" I yelled. Savvy complied, swinging the cactus with all the strength in her good baseball arm.

"Jashin dammit! Did you just fucking chuck a fucking cactus at me?"

"Damn straight I did, mother fucker!" Savvy shouted back.

I reached for another weapon in my arsenal, wondering how the hell I got in this mess.

Oh, yeah. Now I remember. I honestly blame the weather man.

.

**~Line Break~**

.

I sighed, stretching my arms way over my head until I heard a satisfying _pop_.

"That sounded unhealthy," remarked Savvy. I turned and noticed she was standing in my doorway. Savanna Rios, AKA Savvy, was my best friend. Screw the two year age gap, Savvy was my besty!

She was nineteen, going on twenty, and was currently my house buddy. Bright red hair that could put sunsets to shame and forest green eyes to match, Savvy is the epitome of unique beauty. She was tall (six foot two), athletic (baseball star), and currently going to college (freshman). And single (how "eligible bachelorette" can you get? Damn, even I don't know how she does it).

"I made eggs, so get your rear in gear, kiddo," she ordered.

I groaned and pulled myself out of bed, throwing on a pair of cargo shorts, a plain white shirt, and my favorite black hoodie. After showering and brushing my teeth and all that other stuff (yes, in my own, _private_ bathroom), I took a second glance at my bed, did a double-take, and my OCD took over. I hurriedly pulled my black and white checkered comforter over my bed, straightened the cosplay swords hanging on my wall, and re-taped one of the many drawings on my wall.

Finally done, I dusted off my hands and sighed, looking back at my work. Nodding to myself, I marched out of the room and slipped on my TARDIS blue converse and swooped through the living room/kitchen/dining room area to grab a piece of toast.

Right after piling scrambled eggs onto the bread and scarfing it down, I prepared to go to the door when a perfectly tanned hand stopped me. Huh. Tanned. Hand. That sort of rhymes. "I knew you'd want to organize your things, so I woke you up a half hour early!" Savvy stated proudly.

"What? You woke me up at-" I checked the time. "Five thirty? You jerk!" I pouted at her, slouching back in my seat.

"Hey, hey, kiddo. Don't look at me like that, it breaks my heart!" My pout increased tenfold. "Okay, fine. Have it your way," she said, looking pointedly away. I just rolled my crystal blue eyes and ran a hand through my pixie cut hair. Yeah, it's that short.

A quick looksie at my appearance before we continue any further. I'm Danica Potter (yes, like Harry Potter, get over it.). I'm seventeen years old, and a junior at Pines high school. I have jet black hair, just like my Pops', and big, bright blue eyes, like my grandmother on my Ma's side. So, basically, Xion reincarnated (which is another reason for the odd haircut). I'll admit to being a bit on the short side, standing at only five foot four, but my sarcasm makes up for the lost inches.

I pride myself on my blacksmith skills that I got from my dad. We make a living crafting swords, knives, hell- I once made a gauntlet, and my dad has made several full suits of armor. And all primarily for cosplay or movie props. I have collected quite the personal arsenal of swords, some shruiken and kunai, a glove I specifically made for bitch slapping, and other miscellaneous bits and bobs. All of them are actually dangerous and in fully working condition.

Which is why I keep them all in the spare room or hanging securely over my bed.

Safe, no?

Anyhow.

"So, I have forty five minutes to burn..." I trailed off, looking to the side.

"Nope," Savvy immediately answered.

"What? I haven't even said anything yet!" I shouted.

"Nope. You were gonna burn all your time on polishing the Buster Sword, weren't you?' she accused.

"Noooo..." I said, trying to look innocent.

"Well forget it. I want you to walk to school today, or at least penny board. The weatherman said it was going to be nice today," Savanna said.

I glanced at the foreboding clouds out the window. "Mmhm," I agreed sarcastically. "Savvy, you know how much I hate having to actually move. Besides, bus time is nap time!" I objected weakly, knowing that once she's set her mind on it, there's really no way of going back.

"Well, sucks for you, kid," Savvy stood her ground.

"I won't even polish my swords. I swear all I'll do is start in on the designs for the Kubikiribōchō."

"No. Now move it, tootse," Savvy said. "Your dad left me here to watch you, and that includes keeping in shape even with kendo season out for the fall."

I groaned, but caved in anyways. I left my hoodie unzipped and grabbed my penny board (penny boards are for wusses, but the lockers at school are too small to fit my actual skateboard) before throwing my back pack/satchel over my shoulder and taking off.

I'm sure I'd have time to draw later.

I kicked off, going straight past the bus stop and making a beeline for the school. I let my thoughts wander.

Savanna was going to be living with me for the next two months while my dad was away to make props for a big Hollywood movie. He trusted her enough with his only daughter, which is actually one heck of a lot. I usually lived alone with him in our (pretty huge for two people) one story house plus basement/workshop. My mom passed away when I was only a few months old, so I don't really remember her. Heck, I look more like my grandma than I do my mom. My dad was overprotective. Like, take-three-martial-arts-plus-kendo-and-sneak-attack-every-week-ha-caught-you-off-guard-sucker kind of protective. He wanted to make sure I could handle myself. Another reason why my room is filled to the brim with swords.

Savvy was a good housemate. She did the dishes. She's great, right? A housemate that does the dishes. When she moved in, she brought all her potted plants with her so she could stay at night, too. All of her potted plants were cacti. Like, no, seriously. She brought a dozen and a half potted cacti in varying sizes to my house. And she says my obsession with swords is bad.

I arrived at the school with ten minutes to spare. Yes, it took thirty-five minutes to penny board to the school. I live in an area without any other houses around for like, half a mile in either direction.

The kendo club president soon struck up a conversation with me, and all thoughts of continuing my designs were forgotten. What? The kendo pres _was_ kinda cute.

.

**~Line Break~**

.

The school day was finally over. I opened up my locker and threw my trig review textbook and my AP Spanish notebook into my bag, then grabbed my penny board.

The other kids flooded out the main doors while I took the back entrance to avoid the crowds. After deciding to take the scenic route home (the weather was supposed to be nice, so why not?), I set off on the sidewalk.

Then it started to rain. Not rain, actually, it began to _pour_. There was no sprinkle. It was dry, then out of nowhere, _poof. _Better run, suckers! Mother nature's got a sneak attack!

Goddammit.

I turned to the bus only to see it already pulling out. Savvy was at college and wouldn't answer her phone until four, nearly an hour from now.

I ran home as fast as my annoyingly short legs would allow, my worn shoes making ripples in the puddles already gathering on the sidewalk.

I clutched my backpack to my chest to keep it as dry as possible while I zipped up my jacket and pulled up my hood.

After what seemed like forever and a day, I made it home. Having taken several breaks at bus stops and telephone booths to squeeze the water out of my socks, I wasn't really soaked to the bone. Only through the skin.

I twisted the doorknob, forgetting that it should have been locked. It opened easily, making me raise a questioning eyebrow. Maybe Savvy forgot to lock it?

I quickly dismissed the thought. Savvy was as paranoid as my dad. But I suppose she was only human. Maybe she was rushing?

I decided to ask her later and changed into some dry sweat pants and a tank top. Afterward I started making myself a sandwich. Leftover bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise. Yum.

After cleaning up the kitchen, I went to my room to clean my swords. Homework could wait until Savvy got here.

I took out a dust rag and a couple Final Fantasy based swords, moving my other cleaning supplies into the living room.

My house was kind of odd. As soon as you entered the house, you were in the living room/dining room/kitchen. The kitchen was separated from the living room only by a half wall, and the dining room was pretty much just a table and chairs right next to the kitchen area. There wasn't anything actually separating the two other than an island with a few stools in case I was too lazy to sit at the actual table.

A hall out of the main rooms led to the basement staircase where my dad and I forged, painted, and designed things. A guest room was also there, but we used it as a storage closet. Across the stairs was my dad's room, and next to that was my own. A bathroom was next to that, and three guest room plus one closet were on the other side of the hall. Savvy was currently occupying one, and the others were just covered in weapons or left alone. Quite a big house for only two people, huh? My dad had expected my mom to live much longer, and to have many more kids. Plans never go right, yet planning is essential, I suppose.

I finished cleaning the Noctis Sword and the Oblivion Keyblade by the time Savvy was supposed to come home. I started to package Oblivion for shipping, since we got someone to buy it at a good price on Amazon.

We sold it for seventy-five dollars more than it was worth.

That poor sucker.

Least he got a good Keyblade, though.

We had plenty of takers when it came to weaponry. After all, in my opinion, we were the best blacksmiths in the region. Maybe even the country!

"Best blacksmiths in the country," I mumbled. "I think I like the sound of that."

After using a good fourth of a roll of bubble wrap and duct taping it together, Savvy came in.

"Hey-o, kiddo! I'm home!" she called.

"Yo, Savvy," I responded, going back to sticking labels on the box. "How was the weather? Nice enough for ya?"

"Oh, don't give me that, Dani. It's not my fault the weatherman was stupid today," she frowned, flopping into the couch next to me.

"Yeah, but it _is _your fault that I had to runthrough that!" I complained, poking her in the belly.

"Whatever," she sighed. "Sorry, Dani."

I shook my head. "'Sorry' isn't going to cut it. I want you to make brownies."

"Brownies?" she asked.

"Yes, brownies," I nodded in confirmation. "You make the best."

"Now, now, Dani. You should know that flattery will get you nothing," she chided. I looked at her, conveying the unspoken message of _Really? Do you expect me to believe that? _"Except for brownies," Savvy amended.

"Thought so," I nodded. Savvy went to work on the brownies while I finished packing up Oblivion. I lay it on the coffee table, too lazy at the moment to put it away properly.

After popping the sludge into the oven and setting it to the correct temperature, Savvy lounged next to me and turned on the TV.

I yelped when thunder struck out of the blue, making Savanna laugh at me. "Saaaavvyyy!" I whined. "Don't make fun of me!"

She just shook her head. "Whatever, kiddo."

"Would it kill you to stop calling me kiddo?" I asked. "You're barely two years my senior!"

"Yeah, well, I was learning to walk by the time you were learning to breathe," she replied easily. "So, ha. In your face, kiddo."

I rolled my eyes while the rain began to increase, if that was even possible at this point. It pounded mercilessly against the roof and windows while the weatherman came on once more.

"Well, Edna, it seems we've got an unexpected storm on the way," Mr. Annoyance commented nasally.

I snorted. "No shit, Sherlock."

Savvy flicked my forehead. "Language, kiddo," she said offhandedly.

I stuck my tongue out at her, going to my room to get a pen and finish up my homework. After retrieving said pen, I noticed something... _different_ in the room. I wasn't quite sure. Maybe it was the cacti?

Then the window crashed open. Glass shattered and wind began to flood inwards, making the curtains have seizures. Rain poured in soon after. The loud noise startled everybody, making Savvy shout, "Oh, shit!"

Except... Savvy doesn't have a voice that deep.

Or that masculine.

But the strange man who had jumped from his position of watching us from the halls did.

I went into panic mode as he saw us staring at him and began to stalk towards us.

After letting out a high pitched scream, I pepper sprayed the guy in the face and grabbed my pocket kunai. Who needs normal knives, anyway?

I suppose I would have recognized the man, had my thought not been completely occupied by the mostly coherent words of _ohfuckmylifeholyshitwhatthefuckwhydoesthisshitalwayshappentome?_

I was vaguely aware of Savvy grabbing the sword I had previously polished off the table, but became completely aware of it once she shouted, "Die, bastard!"

Savvy sloppily swung the thing, having no practice with any of my weapons.

"What the fuck was that for?" the albino cursed, easily dodging it, but consequentially stepping closer to me. I flipped a bit and dropped my knife. _Spacebubblespacebubblespacebubblenopenopenope SO MUCH NOPE!_

"Oh, holy _shit! _Somebody stab the fucker!" I shouted, running away from the invader.

"Die, bitch!" Savvy yelled, thoroughly impaling him through the back with my two hundred dollar Final Fantasy Noctis Sword.

"Ow, you bitch!"

"Dammit, he's still not dead! Gimme something pointy! I don't care, pass me the fucking cactus!" I yelled, reaching for said potted plant in the corner of the room.

"**The cactus has a name**, you know," spoke the plant that was, in fact, a person.

"HOLY SHIT, THE CACTUS IS ALIVE!"

"That's not my cactus, Dani! My cactus is right here!" Savvy said, picking up her one of her many potted cacti.

"Then _throw the fucker at him!_" I yelled. Savvy complied, swinging the cactus with all the strength in her good baseball arm.

"Jashin dammit! Did you just fucking chuck a fucking cactus at me?"

"Damn straight I did, mother fucker!" Savvy shouted back.

And, well, this is where I met you, wasn't it?

In this crazed mess of flying swords, cacti, and curse words.

I've always been one for memorable first impressions, I suppose.

"Dammit, guys! Knock these bitches out!"

I barely got out my initial question of, "What?" when I felt a hand chop down on my neck and all faded into black.


	2. Chapter 2

.

**~Danica's P.O.V.~**

.

I woke up with a dull throb pounding the inside of my head. I noticed someone was tying me up. Someone... blue, and... shark-like.

I tensed, using my freak out moment to flex the muscles in my arms.

The shark man chuckled. "Awake, now are you? I suppose that's good." He grinned, flashing his razor sharp teeth. Then it hit me. Kisame Hoshigaki, the Tailless Tailed Beast of Kirigakure, Wielder of the Samehada, member of the Akatsuki. And he was in my house. Was he even real? Was this a prank? I wasn't sure. Might as well treat this like a real-life situation. It might just be a test by Savvy. _But it might not be._

"Fuck," came my immediate response at this revelation. Kisame grinned and began walking away.

"I'll come get you when we're ready for the interrogation." Interrogation? What? But I didn't even do anything! I voiced these thoughts.

"'Cause I swear, if this is about that Petco incident, I am completely over that. Savvy is a well adjusted, happy individual and the parakeet wasn't even her fault," I yammered on. "And, damn. I've gone into shock-induced idiot mode, haven't I?"

Kisame looked mildly amused. "Well, it seems you have." Then he left, closing the door. I realized I was in my room. I didn't recognize it at first because all my weapons... were... not... on... the proper... shelves...

_Oh, _hell _no! _I snarled at the thought of someone tarnishing my perfect collection. Relaxing my wrists and wiggling them to feel the slack. Damn. It wasn't enough to slip my wrists through easily. Curse you, mystery books! You have failed me once again! Frustrated, I tipped the chair so I was standing sort of hunched over, the chair still on my back.

I took my mini sharpening/cleaning kit out from under my mattress, having to use my mouth to bite the thing and get the sharpest objects in there out.

I set it on the bed and had to... sort of twerk to cut the ropes until they fell, the chair almost silently falling onto the bed.

I moved some papers from the wall and took a small key from the back of one. I then used said key to open up a hope chest hidden in a hollowed out book and took out...

-Insert Zelda music here- My bitch slapping glove! Metal coated knuckles and pieces in specific shape as to leave a lasting imprint on the skin, it was my first completely original piece. I kept it for the sake of yucks, but it was still dangerous if used correctly. Might as well use it correctly.

I looked back at the wall for another weapon to see... Nothing. Not a sword in place. But there were some scuff marks on the wall that looked like someone knocked... my good swords... against the wall...

Anger renewed, I stormed out of the room. Or at least I stormed out as quietly as one storming out could get.

_Oh, hell no. _Nobody _messes with _my _weapons and gets away with it. These bitches are going down!_

I knew they probably heard me coming, so screw self preservation!

I burst into the room, tightening my glove.

"Who the hell messed with my swords!?" I hissed, glaring at the room. The entire Akatsuki were there, and Savanna was tied in a chair in the center of the room. The lights were off, giving the scene a dramatic feel that I was sure I just ruined. The previously broken window was boarded shut, obviously a quick job. All eyes were on me.

_Well, I got this far. _I reasoned with myself. _Might as well keep going._

My eyes combed the mildly surprised faces until I found a specific one. A face attached to a body, which was holding... my sword. I saw fingerprints on the blade. _He left fingerprints on the blade._

He stood, a bit confused as to why I was glaring at him. Then he recognized me, and I recognized him. Hidan of the Akatsuki. The guy Savvy smacked with a cactus. And the guy holding my sword.

"You! Bitch! You're the one who fucking sprayed me in the face!" he yelled.

"And you're the one I'm going to tear into fucking pieces!" I retorted. I ran at him while he continued cussing and tackled him into the ground. He easily threw me off, but while he was getting up I back handed him when he was at my height.

The metal on the glove left a clear imprint of the word, "BITCH" on his cheek in five different languages. English, Spanish, French, Latin, and Japanese.

I took everyone's stunned silence to steal my sword back and run into a corner, hissing like a cat at the nearest people.

"Oh, you poor thing. All smudged and gross. Don't worry, Mama's gonna make it better," I cooed, starting to wipe it off with the edge of my my shirt.

Most people would have called the cops by now, but for me the sword was priority right then. Plus, the chances of this being a test is much higher than the chances of this being real. If it _was _real and the real Akatsuki were in my home, it wouldn't do anyone any good to turn them in. If they were just plain robbers... I doubt it. Savvy stabbed Hidan and he was still standing.

"Um... Dani? Are you okay over there?" Savvy asked hesitantly.

I hissed again. "My precious!" I hugged the sword to me.

"What the hell, un?" asked a certain bomber.

Savvy just shook her head. "Let her be. She'll bite whoever decides to approach her until she properly cleans and sharpens her sword."

I nodded in appreciation towards her. _I have taught you well, kemosabe._

Hidan just laughed. "As if that bitch could do any real fucking damage- JASHIN DAMMIT! She's biting the fuck out of me!" he shouted, flailing his arm around to get his hand out of my clamped jaw. I just bit harder, inwardly grimacing when I felt his skin break. I shook my head around like a dog, feeling the urge to spit his hand out. I was disciplining him. He needed to be disciplined.

Copper leaked into my mouth and I kept my mouth closed, frowning uncomfortably at the taste of blood. He raised his hand, the words "**BITCH / PERRA / PUTE / ****CYNOSSEMA****/ ****雌犬**" standing out clearly on his cheek.

I braced myself, fully prepared to take the hit and keep biting him but... the hit never came.

"Hidan," came a steely voice. Pein held his arm, preventing him from moving.

0 pts. Jashin, 1 pt. Pein. You go, dude! Show him who's god!

"Control yourself. You will not harm the girls until we get the necessary information to our whereabouts," he said, staring into the Jashinist's soul with his ringed eyes. Well, not into his _soul_, per se, but it sure seemed like it from my angle. Or he was secretly undressing him with his eyes.

I took the two murderers' moment of silence to entertain the little yaoi fantasy before remembering that Konan owned Pein. Damn. Sadly, my OTP prevails against my yaoi happy bubble.

Finally the albino sighed, looking away. "What the fuck ever," he mumbled, shoving out of the way and back to the couch.

I held my sword tighter, seeing Pein still staring me down. "Up," he commanded.

I jolted upright, sword under my arm like it was a musket and my free hand in a salute. "Yes, sir!" I squeaked, running to hide behind Savvy.

"He's scaaaaary," I whimpered.

"You," he pointed at me. I looked around innocently before pointing at me. He nodded.

"Yes, sir?"

"Where are we?"

I looked at him sideways. "Nevada."

He glared at me. "Tell us the truth."

"You're in Nevada, you know, seventh largest state in the United States of America?" I said, the gravity of this situation finally catching up to me. "The Great Basin, Boundary Peak, the Colorado River?" He didn't look amused, so I started spouting random facts. "Hot springs, geysers, Basin and Range region? Longitude: 116° 55.9'W, latitude: 39° 30.3'N?" He began to glare at me. "Nevada, United States of America, North America, Planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy? You know, just a bit short of the Alpha Centauri Galaxy and _oh, holy crap, I don't even know what the hell's going on here anymore!_"

He "hmph"'d and started walking away. I let out a quiet breath of relief. "Konan, Tobi, Zetsu and I will search the house. Kisame and Itachi will continue to interrogate Savanna, and Deidara and Sasori will interrogate this... Danica."

"Oi! Pein-in-the-ass, what about me?"

He met Hidan's eyes easily. "You will keep out of our way. Kakuzu will supervise."

Hidan protested loudly while I took some cleaning supplies off the couch and continued to properly shine my baby to perfection. I sat cross legged on the floor next to where Savvy was and carefully took the dropped pocket kunai off the ground, cutting Savvy free.

"So..." I started.

"'So', indeed," Savvy nodded.

"So... tell the truth, but don't get us killed?" I offered. It was a sound plan, and it also meant I wouldn't be telling them about the anime any time soon. I mentally thanked Kami/Jashin/Pein for my laziness and lack of anime-type items (excluding my swords). The only Naruto stuff in my house was the small collection of kunai and shuriken I hand-crafted. The Buster Sword was originally going to be the Kubikiribōchō, but I got sloppy and wanted to finish it quickly so I altered some bits and made it a shortened version (to fit my height) of the Buster Sword.

Savvy didn't watch anime (no matter how much I begged and bribed and blackmailed), which meant I had no problems worrying about her spilling and them killing one of us, torturing the other for bits of information on their future.

Savvy shook my hand and nodded her head firmly. "Another good plan, sarge."

"Thank you, corporal."

"Corporal?"

"And congratulations on your promotion, ex-private."

"Oh. Well, thank you, sarge."

"Much obliged."

She smiled shyly at me, and I gave her what I thought was a reassuring one back. It came out as more of a grimace.

"Okay, Danica. Follow me, un," ordered Deidara. Sasori grabbed my arm and dragged me along, making Deidara asking me sort of redundant. Oh, well. It wouldn't do to correct murderers. I already bitch-slapped one.

The artist duo brought me to my room and took my sword and glove from me, making me internally whimper pathetically and openly stare longingly at them.

"I'll stand guard at the door. Hurry up, brat," Sasori huffed, marching out the door and closing it behind him.

"Okay, hm. We'll start simple. What's your name?" Deidara began. I figured Savvy had already told them, seeing as they'd already addressed me by my name, but whatevs.

"My name is Danica Martinez Potter," I said simply, only giving them what they asked for. "You can just call me Danica."

"Why does Savanna call you Dani, then, yeah?"

I gave him a "duh" look. "It's a nickname. We're friends," I said, putting emphasis on the _friends _part.

"Then why can't we call you that?" he asked, looking surprisingly genuinely confused.

I wondered when he had joined the organization. Maybe he was a newbie. I made sure to enunciate clearly. "Well. Let's review, shall we? You break into my home, threaten my friend, knock me unconscious, interrogate me, _and _you took my swords. We aren't gonna be friends anytime soon."

"Oh. Un," he said. I felt a bit concerned about back-talking my interrogator, but meh. It's in the past. Might as well run with it.

"Next question-"

"_Here I stand/ helpless and left for dead._" came my phone. It blared out of my pocket and the iHome speaker on my desk.

Deidara, for all his ninja training, jumped up and pulled out a kunai I recognized as mine.

"Hey, isn't that-?" I began, but was cut off by Sasori, who opened the door so quickly I was worried for its health.

"What is that noise?" Sasori asked over Breaking Benjamin.

I quickly muted my iHome as the other Akatsuki members plus Savvy came rushing in.

"_Close your eyes/ so many days go by/ Easy to find what's wrong/ harder to find what's right._" my phone sang.

"Sorry, that's my dad calling for the night," I excused, holding the phone and checking the caller ID to make sure that, yes, it was my dad.

"That blue box is your dad?" Tobi asked, confused. "Tobi is confused." I just thought that, Tobi. No need to reiterate. "Oh, sorry Dani-chan!"

"Sorry for what?" I asked. _Oh, holy crap. Can he read minds?_

"No, Tobi's constant habit of talking in the third person allows him to break the fourth wall."

"... What?" I tilted my head.

"Never mind. Tobi was just being silly."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... Okay? But no, the phone is not my dad." I answered his previous question.

"It's..." Savvy started, struggling a bit with her words. "It's a communication device. Like... a radio. You know what a radio is, right? Like, you aren't a bunch of murderers-slash-robbers-slash-... uh, what's that one word?"

"Amish," I supplied helpfully.

"Yeah. That's the one," she nodded.

Deidara twitched slightly. "Yes, we know what radios are, hm. We aren't idiots."

"I ain't a fucking Amish, bitch!" Hidan cussed.

"You sure? 'Cause you don't seem very... up-to-date with modern technology," Savvy commented skeptically. Why was she acting all normal? Oh, yeah. She acts annoyingly casual when stressful shit's going down. We all have ways of coping, don't question ours.

Before those offended could retaliate, I cut in. "Can I just talk to my dad now?"

Pein went quiet for a second before responding. "Yes. Do not try to tell him anything about us, or we will kill you."

"Kay-kay!" I smiled, choosing to ignore the "kill you" part. I answered the call and put it on speaker for Savvy. I didn't really care if the Akatsuki were there or not. If they talked, it wouldn't be my fault that they got found out. Besides, you should always make sure to have people to back up your lies. I nearly frowned at the 'lies' part of it, but sheer willpower stopped me from openly expressing my disdain for dishonesty. Damn my moral code.

"Hey, short stack!" my dad greeted.

"Wassup, home slice?" I responded. It was our thing.

"Nothing much. Hey, why did you answer my call so late?" he asked.

I racked my brain for a lie when my three years of drama club kicked in. "Savvy dared me to watch a scary movie. The phone startled us and I was kinda worried someone would pull some 'Seven days,' crap on us." I made sure to make my voice extra creepy for the 'Seven days' part, fishing for a laugh.

I got what I asked for and he laughed heartily. His laughter was contagious and I giggled a bit. Like a prep. Gag me with a spoon.

"Okay, well I gotta go. Late night, last-minute stuff. The big-wigs expected three dozen perfect swords in a month. Can you believe it? I got it down to one dozen and the final two next month, but I might end up with repeats." I could _hear _his cringe at the word "repeats". His disdain for making two swords of the same kind was almost as bad as my OCD tendencies and honesty policy.

"That sucks. Do you have any pre-made swords left?" I asked.

"Well, now that I think about it... Yeah! Yeah, they should be lying around here somewhere... Thanks, Danica. You're a lifesaver."

"No probs, Pops. Happy to help your perfectionistic self," I smiled.

"Well, don't stay up too long, short stack. G'night."

"Night, Daddy-O." I hung up after that, letting out a breath of relief. The phone conversation had been short, and I had been worried we would end up chattering on and I would slip somewhere.

Savvy patted my head sympathetically. She knew how much I hated lying, especially to people who trusted me.

"We will continue with our investigation," Pein announced. People nodded and left my crowded room, allowing me to breath. Savvy was dragged away with Kisame and Itachi. I stayed put with the artists.

Sasori nodded at Deidara and went back outside. The blondie cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Back to where we were," he began. "Why do you have so many weapons?"

"I'm a blacksmith," I said simply. "I excel in pointy things."

"And where did you get your blacksmith training, yeah?"

"My pops. Obviously," I muttered the last part under my breath.

He "Hm"'d and stopped to think. "Where are we?"

"Nevada," I deadpanned. "I already told you."

"That's a lie," Deidara said, beginning to glare. "What country, un?"

"America. Land of the free, home of the brave? Ringing any bells?" I rolled my eyes.

"I mean _actual country_. As in, Fire, Earth, Water. That kind of stuff, yeah." He was starting to get a bit annoyed.

"Look," I huffed, exasperated. I went to my desk, fully aware of the nuke-nin's eyes tracking my every movement. I pulled out my sixth-grade History of America textbook that I never returned. Whoops.

I opened up the beat up cover and went to the back of the book, thumbing through the book and turning to the world map. I stuck a finger in the other maps I found, just to be sure.

I pointed to America, the green splotch in the blue. "This is North America." I pointed my finger a little south to be stuck in the middle of the continent. "This is the United States of America." I flipped to another page my left index finger had been holding. I found our triangular state next to Cali and jabbed my newly freed finger at it. "This is Nevada. We clear?"

He snatched the book from me and flipped through it. _Rude, _I thought.

"What the hell kind of code is this, hm?" he asked. "This isn't Japanese!"

"Well, you aren't in Japan," I sighed.

"What the hell is Japan?" Face, meet Desk.

"You aren't even speaking Japanese!" I shouted, finally losing my temper. "This is written in _English, bakayarou!_" I resorted to calling him a dumbass in Japanese, an old habit I had in middle school. I cussed in foreign languages to avoid getting in trouble with the teachers. "You're in _freaking AMERICA! _Speaking _English, _reading _English, _expecting _Japanese _when you_ don't even know what Japan is!_"

I vaguely remembered they were from another universe, but I ignored it. As far as they were concerned, I didn't even know universal, _actual _universal, not world-wide, travel was even possible.  
I breathed and sat down. "I had to walk home _in the rain _today, have not one, not two, but _ten criminals _in my house, lost _all _my precious swords, had to lie to my dad, and now all I want is a coffee. Go get me a coffee and I'll talk."

"Okay, whatever, un," he said, rolling his eyes and walking away, mumbling about sex-deprived little boys.

"I'm a _girl, _dimwit!" I yelled back. "I'm tiny, I have short hair, and I'm as flat as a ten year old boy, but I'm a _girl_, dammit!"

He stopped, shocked. Freaking morons. "Oh, un. I _thought _it was a bit weird when you giggled."

He asked Sasori-no-Danna to watch me while he went for coffee. It took me a minute to realize he had taken my textbook with him. Probably going to use coffee as a cover to report back to his leader. Oh, well.

My time with the puppet master was short, but I noticed he wasn't in Hiruko. He was his normal, redheaded self. Deidara had my kunai, too. Maybe they were brought here without weapons? Hm... Food for thought.

Soon Deidara came back (without coffee) and said Leader-sama had called for all of us in the main room.

"About time, brat," Sasori scoffed. They led me out and I took a seat on the couch next to Savvy. She took my hand and squeezed, and I let myself become a little girl, just for a second. I squeezed back, thankful for her comforting presence.

"We have confirmation. Neither of the girls lied to us. We _are _in... Nevada, America-" I had to physically shove my hand in my mouth and bite down to quiet my smart mouth, though my mind still swum with replies, accompanied by a mental sarcastic snort. "-and we will be staying here until we can find a way back to our world."

I groaned and Savvy lept up, screeching things like, "_What? Are you freaking SERIOUS?"_ Pein easily silenced us with a sharp glance, but that didn't stop us from glaring daggers at our least favorite member, a certain white-haired, pink eyed jerk. Hidan was as verbal of his discontent, if not more, than Savvy was, but he was silenced by glares and a smack on the head from Kakuzu.

"Can we at least set up some rules first?" I asked.

Pein inclined his head slightly. "I suppose you may, but you are still our prisoners."

"And you are still our guests," I countered. Not too smart on my part, but whoopsie-daisy. "Okay, one: You break it, you buy it. And since I doubt you have the same currency as us, you need to find and uphold a job long enough to get paid, and that in itself will be tedious." Kakuzu glared at everyone, silently daring them to make him pay anything.

"Two: Don't mess with my shit. I will bitch-slap you and you'll be labeled a bitch, just like Hidan." Said zealot furrowed his brow in confusion before feeling his cheek, cussing, and looking at a mirror hanging on the wall. He screeched in rage and made to attack me, nearly knocking over a vase and violating rule one. Kakuzu caught and restrained both, setting the vase back on the table and holding Hidan up in the air, detaching him from his body to prevent further harm. I stared at his mega-cool threads before smiling at him. Savvy cheered at Hidan's bodiless head before realizing he was still alive and booing. Kakuzu was no longer on my shit list.

"Three: if you kill Savvy, I'll kill myself and report you. Then who will house you? 'Cause I doubt you can dodge a nuke." I didn't think they knew what a nuke was, but Pein nodded anyway. I normally would have said "clean up after yourselves," but I figured that would be pushing my luck.

"Anything else, Savvy?" I asked. She shook her head before stopping and nodding.

"Yeah. I go to uni and Dani goes to hell- I mean high school during the day. I expect the more responsible ones to watch after the idiots. Oh- and if you perv on either of us, I will let Dani pull out the pointy objects." I grinned evilly and gave everybody an insane giggle at the last part.

"You bitches still go to fucking school?" Hidan snickered. "You are all fucking idiots!"

Savvy cleared her throat. "Education is very valuable here. The smarted you are, the farther in life you'll get. That's why most of us are stuck in school for thirteen years, seventeen if you wish to get a higher education and therefor better jobs with higher payrolls."

"Any objections to our rules, boss-man?" I asked Pein.

"None. But we will be confiscating your weapons." I froze.

"W-w-w-w... _what?"_ I hoped to kami/Jashin/Pein that my ears had deceived me.

"We cannot have you escaping," he said simply. I felt my shoulders slump. "Go bring them here."

"All of them?" I asked meekly.

Pein nodded. "All of them."

I trudged towards the hall before going back and tapping the tallest guy in the room's shoulder- that is to say, Kisame's.

"Mind helping me out?" I asked.

The shark man shrugged. "Why not?"

I pulled myself into my room and opened the door, going under my bed, into the hollowed-out books and hidden hope-chests, pulled up a couple of floorboards behind some stuffed narwhals, and tore open said narwhals to get my weapons and have Kisame hold them for me.

I went back to the living room and lay out the knives in my arms in an organized pile on the large, open floor. I was vaguely aware of everyone's eyes on me, but I didn't care. Kisame came into the room and I took the weapons from him, carefully setting those ones down.

I left again for a second trip, going into Savvy's guest room. I took the decorative knives and swords from the walls and put them in a basket, then put the basket on a glass box display shelf with a pretty katana in it. I had Kisame wheel that one into the living room while I wheeled the other one out.

I had a mini museum in my living room now.

I led 'Same-san into the basement/workshop where I had him carry two Keyblades (we basically mass-produced them. They were popular.) and Sephiroth's Murasame while I hefted the Buster Sword over my shoulder.

The shark-man whistled appreciatively at the giant sword. "Nice."

I nodded proudly at him. "One of my favorites!"

I put on some spare cleaning gloves and yet another sharpening kit (I breathed these things) before heading upstairs one last time. I snatched a wooden box of kunai and shuriken off a table in the hall, knowing they had probably raided my other box of ninja gear from the kitchen if Deidara using my kunai was any indication. I laid the box on the floor before putting down my final pointy beauties.

I looked to Pein. "And the ones from my room?"

Pein nodded to Konan who took out a storage scroll and _poof'_d out my swords. "Whoa." Savvy and I loudly applauded her, making the bluette blush.

I took my swords from her and lay them out with their brethren. It nearly covered half the room, but I refused to pile my babies on top of one another.

"That's a lot of swords, Danna, un," said Deidara. Sasori merely nodded.

"Real works of art!" I said, puffing my chest out before I realized my fatal mistake. Never say "art" in front of the artist duo.

"While I admit your art is impressive," began Sasori. "it is not yet eternal, therefore not _true _art."

I froze. Did he just insult my art?

"There, there, kiddo. I'm sure he didn't insult your art," Savvy soothed, rubbing my shoulders to calm me.

I began to relax until- "No way, Danna, un! Art is a bang!"

Savvy raised an eyebrow. "Art is a bang? Really? You know, I could make so many 'that's what she said' jokes with that, it's not even funny."

Hidan snickered. Sasori's lips had a mini seizure, like he was fighting a smirk. Kisame actually smirked without fighting it. Tobi looked around, not getting it.

"What's so funny? Tobi doesn't get it," he said in his adorable dub voice.

Savvy and I "aww!"'d at his obliviousness. So cute.

"Wait, before I forget, boss-man. Why can't you guys read?" I asked. Carrot-top simply nodded at Itachi, who began to explain.

"When I was in the ANBU, the Yamanaka's had been developing a jutsu used to decode intercepted messages more clearly."

Savvy asked what a jutsu was and was given a short answer. "Chakra molded for the purpose of manipulating of the environment or yourself." To which I responded to by quietly singing, "Captain Planet! He's the hero! Reducing pollution, down to zero!" This was, however, ignored by most.

"Sadly, it had a few glitches, like random seizures and a few going into cardiac arrest. It only works as intended to if you have the Sharingan. Since this is an entirely different language, writing and reading is quite out of our reach. Speaking, however, is not," he said stoically.

Hidan whistled. "Damn, that's the most I've ever heard you say."

This, of course, triggered a mass reaction of different conversations.

_Ding! _sang the oven. Everybody shut up.

"Brownies are done," Savvy said. She went to retrieve them while I followed like the little duckling I was.

"We're housing ten criminals," she said quietly.

"I know."

"They've probably killed people."

"I know."

"They thought you were a dude."

I cringed. "I know."

"Why? I mean, 'Danica' is such a feminine name!"

"It's not common in Japan."

"What?" she did a double take, pausing in putting on oven mitts. "They're from Japan?"

"Japan in another universe. I think," I said, making sure I should know this stuff. "Blondie said something about elemental countries. Like, Fire, Earth, Water, stuff like that."

"'Then everything changed when the fire nation attacked,'" she quoted.

"I love you. But seriously. Another universe. Or world. Or dimension."

"Damn."

"Tell me about it."

"There are criminals in our house."

"I believe we already stated that."

"There are criminals in our house, and I'm making brownies."

"You don't see me complaining."

She took out two trays of brownies and left them on the stove top to cool down. After sneakily stealing two corner pieces, I followed her back to the living room, where we both sank onto the couch between the criminals.

"Well, my life's been blown to shit," sighed Savvy.

"You're telling me. Brownie?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Welcome to the first A/N of this story! And yes, this was a double update. I was in NY and without wifi. I NEEDED SOMETHING TO DO.**

**I didn't want to put one on the first couple of chapters 'cause I was scared you'd run off.**

**I'd like to thank all of you for reading, and a special certain two for reviewing! I love you two! Not that I don't love my readers in general, but I just love those who review/comment slightly more. No hard feelings, non-reviewers/commenters. You are all still beautiful people. Embrace your beauty.**

**I'll start putting fun facts and all that fancy stuffs at the bottom, plus a question of the chappie in a sad attempt to get more reviews.**

**I'm so lonely.**

**I mean, ha! I have friends! I have a social life! It's just... on the internet... Yeah.**

**Don't expect the upcoming chapters to be as long as chapter two. I just couldn't find a good stopping point.**

**Toodles!**

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**~3****rd**** Person P.O.V.~**

**~Akatsuki~**

.

The day had started out normally enough.

There had been a group meeting, though.

No biggie.

Then there was a bright flash of light, they blinked, and they were somewhere else.

What?

"Where the hell are we, Leader-sama, hm?" asked Deidara.

"Shut up, brat," grumbled Sasori.

"Whoa, Danna, un! You're not in your puppet!" Deidara noted, shocked.

"So you can see," the adorable redhead replied dryly.

"Oi, there's no fucking way _you're _Sasori! Sasori is ugly as all fuck!" cussed Hidan.

"Shut up, moron. You're wasting my time," Kakuzu growled at his annoyance of a partner.

"Tobi doesn't have his pointy things!" gasped Tobi. Then all the Akatsuki members quickly checked themselves before realizing- they were weaponless. Not necessarily defenseless, but it made certain members lose their edge, like Hidan and Kisame. Kisame was currently dying inside at the prospect of having to fight without his Samehada- or any sword for that matter. Hidan just cussed out the world.

"Everybody, calm down," Pein ordered in a steely voice. "We need to search for any information on where we are, as well as somewhere we get weapons and rest for the night."

Konan, the ever-agreeable lady of the group, nodded with her leader. "Shelter and weapons are first priority. It looks like it's going to rain soon."

And as soon as she said that, it started raining. Like, Ame-in-typhoon-season type rain.

The ninja all booked it, Itachi on point with his Sharingan.

"Leader-sama, it appears most of this land is flat, but there is a house two and a half kilometers from here," he reported.

Pein nodded and they began traveling north, but not before running into an obstacle.

It appeared to be a... long, black path made of rock. Dotted lines ran across the middle, making the rogues wonder what its purpose was. Then a large box on wheels flew by, a man in the window with a significantly smaller box pressed up against his ear.

_"__Yeah, I know what the weatherman said, but he was wrong!" _the man shouted in a foreign tongue. _"I swear, just look out the window for once and you'll see. It's raining like crazy! No, you stop making excuses. See, this is why I'm never..." _His voice trailed off as he zoomed farther and farther away.

"What the fuck did that fucker just say?" shouted the Jashinist over the nearly bruise-inducing bullets of water.

"I believe he was either **talking in code, or another language entirely,**" suggested Zetsu.

"Itachi, can you translate for us?" asked Konan, taking the wheel.

Itachi's red eyes spun rapidly and his hands flew in hand signs.

"I believe he was commenting on the unexpected weather," started Itachi, his tongue finally starting to wrap around this new way of speaking.

"Now we have to cross this road of strange carriages," stated Kakuzu.

"Joy," Sasori said blandly.

After a few false starts and Hidan almost getting beheaded, the group managed to get across.

After arriving at the house, the resident miser quickly picked the lock and led the way to a dry, hopefully safe place.

The only ones unaffected by the rain were Kisame (half shark and all), Pein, and Konan ( both having lived in Ame for so long). Even Itachi was frowning at the dripping state his ponytail was in.

Not too soon after they had arrived, they heard to door knob twist. Jumping into action, Kakuzu let loose a quiet wind jutsu to dry the floor and the other members of the Akatsuki. Then they hid.

A young boy- girl, most of the sensible members corrected themselves upon noticing her lack of an Adam's apple- walked through the door. After trying the door knob once more and frowning, Pein mentally cursed.

_She's onto us... _Then the girl shrugged and closed the door. She dropped a bag on the floor and pulled off her strange shoes, moving into the hall.

"Who the fuck was that?" Hidan whispered loudly.

"Possibly the owner of this house," Itachi answered.

"**Whoever that was, they have** good taste in cacti," Zetsu nodded, inspecting the potted cacti placed all over the room.

"And some pretty swords," Kisame noted. He gestured to a couple of decorative glass swords hanging on the wall.

"We must watch this person. Maybe we'll get some answers out of her," Pein ordered.

The girl came out wearing dry clothes and ate a sandwich. Then she left again and came back with some swords and a small box.

Kisame looked impressed with the designs on the weapons, specifically a strange black one that vaguely resembled a key.

The girl cleaned the weapons carefully before packaging the giant key.

"Best blacksmiths in the country..." strained ears heard her mumble. "I think I like the sound of that."

All of the group noticed the word "blacksmith". The girl was a forger. Shelter, weapons, no civilazation for kilometers, this place was perfect for a temporary base! The perceptive ones of the group also took notice that she had said "blacksmith_s_", suggesting there was another living with her.

"Hey-o, kiddo! I'm home!" a voice called from the door.

"Yo, Savvy," relied the girl. "How was the weather? Nice enough for ya?" she asked.

"Oh, don't give me that, Dani. It's not my fault the weatherman was stupid today," now dubbed Savvy pouted a bit before sitting on the couch next to now dubbed Dani.

"Yeah, but it _is _your fault that I had to run through that!" Dani whined, jabbing an index finger into Savvy's stomach.

The Akatsuki watched this interaction closely, analyzing their body language. It was clear these two were at ease with each other.

"Whatever," Savvy sighed. "Sorry, Dani."

Dani shook her head as if she were disappointed with her friend. "'Sorry' isn't going to cut it. I want you to make brownies."

"Brownies?" she asked.

"The fuck are brownies?" whispered Hidan. His question was met by sharp glances, telling him _very clearly _to shut his face hole.

"Yes, brownies," Dani nodded. "You make the best."

"Now, now, Dani. You should know that flattery will get you nothing... Except for brownies," Savvy said.

"Thought so," she nodded.

Savvy went to the kitchen and started mixing things, as if working in the kitchen was second nature to the redhead.

After she put something in the oven, Savvy lounged next to Dani on the couch and turned on the television.

Dani squealed when thunder boomed outside, causing Savvy to openly laugh at her friends discomfort. "Saaaavvyyy! Don't make fun of me!" Dani complained.

She just shook her head. "Whatever, kiddo."

"Would it kill you to stop calling me kiddo?" Dani glared. "You're barely two years my senior!"

"Yeah, well, I was learning to walk by the time you were learning to breathe," she replied easily. "So, ha. In your face, kiddo."

The television changed channels to a man in specs holding some papers that probably had scientific mumbo-jumbo scrawled across it.

"Well, Edna, it seems we've got an unexpected storm on the way," he said.

Dani snorted. "No shit, Sherlock." The Akatsuki briefly wondered who or what Sherlock was before deciding it was trivial information.

Savvy affectionately flicked Dani's forehead. "Language, kiddo," she said spoke easily.

The duo went back to watching the TV when the window quickly split open, the glass shattering from the howling winds raging outside. It startled the members, but they were able to control themselves. Well, all except for one.

"Holy shit!" Hidan yelped, leaping out of his hiding spot.

"Freaking idiot," Kakuzu grumbled.

Zetsu morphed out of the ground, ready to help Hidan if need be.

Hidan was quickly noticed by the girls and he began to walk towards them, fully intending to knock them out.

Dani let out a high pitched scream before pulling two objects out of her pocket. She used one- an orange cylinder- to spray some sort of acid or poison into his eyes. The other object she had taken out was a bit more recognizable. She held a kunai in her shaking fist.

Hidan dodged a sloppy swing from Savvy ("_Die, bastard!_"), who was now wielding the sword Dani had been polishing. He had to step closer to Dani to dodge, though (_"What the fuck was that for?"_), and Dani jumped back, accidentally dropping the kunai.

"Amateurs," Sasori scoffed.

"Oh, holy _shit! _Somebody stab the fucker!" Dani yelled, quickly backing away.

"Die, bitch!" Savvy yelled, impaling him through the back while he had been trying to get the kunai off the floor.

"Ow, you bitch!" Hidan cussed, dropping the kunai back on the floorboards.

"Dammit, he's still not dead! Gimme something pointy! I don't care, pass me the fucking cactus!" Dani yelled to Savvy before reaching for Zetsu who's plant had been peeking out from behind the couch.

"**The cactus has a name**, you know," came Zetsu's slightly irritated reply.

"HOLY SHIT, THE CACTUS IS ALIVE!"

"That's not my cactus, Dani! My cactus is right here!" Savvy picked up another cactus.

"Then _throw the fucker at him!_"

Savvy swung the plant and smashed it into the potty-mouthed albino's side.

"Jashin dammit! Did you just fucking chuck a fucking cactus at me?" Hidan cussed.

"Damn straight I did, mother fucker!" Savvy snarled.

"Dammit, guys! Knock these bitches out!"Hidan yelped for help ("Whenever you're in trouble, just yelp for help!").

Dani went down first, followed shortly after by Savvy.

"We shall interrogate this... Savvy, first," Pein instructed before rubbing his temples.

This was going to give him a major migraine, wasn't it?

.


	4. Chapter 4

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**A/N: BOO-YAH! ANOTHER UPDATE! WHAT NOW, BEEYITCHES?**

.

**~Danica's P.O.V.~**

.

"So... you're Hidan," Savvy started, pointing at said idiot. "You're Kakuzu," she pointed at the miser. "Sasori, Deidara, Zetsu, Tobi ("Tobi is a good boy!" "Yes, he is. Good boy, Tobi." "Yay!" "Aww! Kawaii!~"), Itachi, Ki... same?" The shark nodded in confirmation. "And that pretty lady is Konan, and Pein's the leader." Konan smiled a bit at the compliment and Pein just nodded stoically.

"Okay, now that I have all your names, I just want to clarify. You all are ninja." More nods. "And you're from another universe where breathing fire and teleportation is a common occurrence. And you all want to bunk at my friend's place until you can get home." Even more nods. "... Kami-fucking-dammit."

I just sighed. "And they'll be using my weapons until they can get they're own, which basically means until _I _can make them their own."

"So, now that we got that outta the way... shall we discuss living arrangements?" Savvy asked.

"Go on," Pein inclined his head.

"Okay," I began, clapping my hands twice to get their attention. "Savvy and I will bunk in my room, 'cause I refuse to share a room with potential perverts. Plus, my room is the smallest."

"Why is your room the smallest, un?" Deidara inquired. "I thought girls always took the biggest rooms, yeah."

"I like to keep my room clean, but I don't like cleaning," I easily waved him off. "The smaller the space, the easier it is to keep tidy."

"Do I have to move my cacti?" asked Savvy.

"Only if you want to," I nodded. "Um... if Savvy bunks with me, that leaves four open guest rooms, since I don't want any of you in my basement."

"Why the fuck not?" asked Hidan. I nearly groaned out loud. Can't I just get a sentence out without people questioning my reasoning?

"Because that's my workspace. If you move anything an inch, I won't be able to find it."

"The fuck's an inch?"

I face palmed. "Not everybody used the metric system. We're in America. We have a different measuring system. And inch is about two and a half centimeters, a foot is twelve inches, and a mile is five thousand two hundred eighty feet."

"Why don't you just use our system of measurement?" asked Itachi. "It seems simpler."

I actually groaned aloud. "Look, buddy. There are two systems of measurement- the metric system that you guys are using, _and the system that landed people on the moon._ Wanna question our math again?"

"People landed on the moon? Tobi thinks that's sooooo cool!"

"Yes, Tobi. People have landed on the moon, collected samples, discovered entirely new planets and solar systems, and we still have yet to encounter where you guys came from," Savvy patted Tobi's fluffy head.

"Dammit, people! Lemme talk about living arrangements already!" I shouted. I huffed before beginning once more. "Okay, so Pein's the leader, and he seems pretty responsible. He gets the room in the basement, but we might need to move some stuff 'cause we're currently using it as a storage closet, but I think we can just pop open a window and stuff an air mattress in there or something. Kisame and Itachi get my dad's room, 'cause I know they won't trash the place and Kisame is around the same height as my dad, so he'll fit on the bed. Blondie and Hidan get the living room because I have a feeling they snore, and Sasori and Kakuzu get the room across from my dad's. Tobi and Zetsu... They can get the room next to Sasori's, and Konan gets her own room, Savvy's old one, next to Tobi's." I said, careful to separate some of the pairs. They don't know that I know how they work, and I plan to keep it that way. It was a bit risky, lying to two Uchiha's and _Nagato_, of all people, but it had to be done. I knew I had to tell them sooner or later, but for now I'd wait until they liked me enough not to torture me for information. I doubted it would happen anytime soon, but I'd aim high, shoot low.

"Why can't I bunk with Danna, un? I don't want to put up with Hidan!" whined Deidara.

I shrugged. "Why not? Kakuzu, switch with Deidara."

Now all the pairs were together, Pein and Konan got their own rooms, and Savvy and I weren't separated. It wasn't all ideal, since there were still _ten criminals _living in my house, but it was close enough for jazz.

"Savvy, help me clean up Leader-sama's room," I ordered. She followed and helped me lug a bucket of cleaning supplies into the basement. I pulled the air mattress over my shoulder and wove around the worktables, the slightly messy blueprints and dimensions for different weapons. A half-finished statuette of a certain blue hedgehog sat in the middle of it all.

We turned past the workroom into a room with filled bookshelves. Sheets of tin lay against the concrete and Post-It Notes with phone numbers scrawled across them were stuck on the walls- names and numbers of different metal suppliers.

I moved some paint buckets and opened up a window that pushed against the ceiling. Savvy flicked on the lights and did a quick dust of everything before pushing some things against the wall and plugging in the air mattress. I smacked a few sheets onto the sucker, put a mint left over from lunch this morning on the pillow, and _BAM! _Instant hotel room.

After deciding the concrete room was too prison-cell-esque, I stuck two old watercolors of an autumn landscape and the ocean on the walls while Savvy put a potted cactus in the corner of the room. And, for the usual ninja comfort, I put a kunai on a cardboard box that served as a bedside table.

….

Maybe I just stabbed the box with the damn knife, but whatever.

"I deem this room worthy," I decided. Savvy nodded loyally. "I quite agree, Sarge."

.

~**Line Break~**

.

After silence had fallen and all the ninja had gone to bed, I flicked on a lamp in my (weaponless) room.

"So," I began.

"'So,' indeed," Savvy nodded.

After a moment of comfortable silence, Savvy brought up the question. "Ocarina?"

"Why not?" I asked. "Lugia's theme?"

"Why not?" Savvy mimicked me. I padded into my bathroom, into the drawer to pull out her emergency ocarina. She had three- one at her house, one around her neck, and one here, in case she loses one. They were all simple tear drop ocarinas, one in warm colors, one in blues, and the last on in solid black.

Savanna wasn't a professional at it, but she liked the ocarina better than the piccolo she used to play in high school.

She gratefully took the musical instrument and began to play. She stumbled a bit at first, but more from lack of practice than anything.

I chilled against the wall and decided I had better play it safe. Relax, get comfy, but never truly drop my guard.

And, unlike most fanfictions, I most definitely would _not _fall in love with them. Friends, sure. Lovers? NOPE!

Savvy curled up on the bed next to where I was sitting with my back against the wall. Soon she was softly snoring, ocarina clutched to her chest.

I moved from my comfortable spot and pushed my bed away from the wall. I tugged a towel off the bed (those damned ninja took the last blankets) down into the little hole and lay down in the crack, enjoying having control over my environment. I was a freak that way.

I lost myself in my thoughts as I nestled down into my Hobbit Hole.

This...

…

…

…

…

This was going to suck.

.

**~Line Break~**

.

I woke up to a few annoying shouts.

"Where the fuck is the bitch? She just fucking left!"

"Shut up, Hidan. I'm tired. Let me sleep," Savvy let out a muffled groan, her face still buried in her pillow.

"She couldn't have gotten far without her friend. We should split up soon and search for her," came an authoritative voice I recognized as Pein's.

I sighed. Did they really think I'd ditch Savvy and my weapons just like that?

"I'm awake, stop shouting," I huffed, crawling up from my spot between the bed and the wall.

There was a moment of silence.

"And a gay baby has been born," muttered Savvy.

"Oh ye of little faith," I sighed, flopping my head and arms onto the mattress. "Did you really think I'd ditch my weapons like that?"

Savvy burned holes into my skull.

"Okay, and Savvy," I amended.

I rolled over so I was laying next to Savvy. "I may not be a ninja or whatever, but I've got _some _honor."

I affectionately pushed my friend off the bed* so she landed face-first on the floor while I dragged myself to my feet.

I had already reached my arm across my desk to slam my phone when it went off, signaling that the time was six in the morning.

Hare Hare Yukai sang from the speakers, making me cover my ears and mash the button repeatedly to make sure the darn thing got the message.

_"__Nazonazo mitai ni chikyuugi wo tokiakashi __-" _-SMASH!-

"That song was in our language," Pein looked at me. "Why?" Blunt, quick, and straight to the point. That's just how they rolled in Ame.

"No, no. Please. Take your time," I muttered sarcastically. "Because _here-_," I said, moving my hands to punctuate the "_here_" part. "- there are many, many different countries. Many different cultures, customs, and yes- languages. Japanese is one of them. Lot's of different stuffs here in America, but that's mostly because we are essentially a country of immigrants."

He nodded and I leisurely strolled to the kitchen to make coffee.

Savvy and I switched off on who made breakfast and who got first shower, and since I got first shower yesterday, it was my breakfast day.

After the pot was on, I grabbed the last two corner pieces on the first plate of brownies.

I stared at the fridge before sighing.

Savvy had recently bought groceries for the month, but with six times the usual amount of people, we'd run out of food by next week.

I toasted twenty-four pieces of bread and fried twenty-four eggs before putting them on twelve plates (Yay. I'd have to do all the dishes. Joy.).

I frowned at the empty carton of no eggs and chucked it before pouring two cups of coffee. One black, one with an unhealthy dosage of sugar and milk.

I drank the black cup. Surprising considering my sweet tooth, no? But, hey. I need the caffeine.

Savvy ruffled my bed-head before stealing a plate and her cup o' Joe and seating herself at the island.

I took the chance and dove at the bathroom.

I will learn from the OC's mistakes.

No murderer will take my hot shower water.

After freshening up, I looked at my room before frowning again.

All this frowning was going to give me wrinkles.

Normally I cleaned my room, but there was virtually nothing to clean. I made due, though, by straightening my bed sheets, fixing up the many sketches and blueprints on my wall, and vacuuming the dirt off the carpet.

All those damn ninjas.

Always tracking dirt into my room.

Like, what would it take for them to take off their shoes before entering the house? It should be natural for them. It's traditional Japanese custom to do it, right? _So why do they insist on tracking mud into my house?_

Frickin' ninjas.

But I digress.

I hurried back into the kitchen and swiped my breakfast off the counter before the ninja could take it. Right before I was going to dig in and rush to the bus stop, Savvy stopped me.

"We're not going to school today," she said simply. I stopped in my movements.

"We're not?" I asked, just to be sure.

"Nope," she clarified, shaking her head. "You're sick, I have to take care of my new housemate- oh! And we have to go shopping for our new_er_ ninja housemates."

I blinked at her. So now I don't have to worry about ninjas destroying my house?

"I called in for us. You're welcome," she added.

"I love you, Savvy."

"I know."

I looked around at the ninja at the table behind us, all scarfing down the eggs and toast.

"So... Shopping?" I asked.

"Yup."

.

**Fun Fact: Two twin boys were born, one thirty-one minutes after the other. But, because of daylight savings, the original younger one was technically born twenty-seven minutes before his brother.**

.

**Question Time!: Favorite character in any anime, ever. Go.**

**.**

***Did you catch the ever-so-subtle Maximum Ride reference?**

**"I affectionately kicked the flock awake."?**

**No?**

**Just me?**

**... Okay.**


	5. Chapter 5

.

**~Danica's P.O.V.~**

.

As I leisurely ate my breakfast (eating leisurely on a non-holiday weekday. I think my equilibrium might be thrown off. Well, it would've been, had it not been already 'cause of, you know, _ninjas_.), I thought long and hard about who to bring. I mean, Pein would _at least _send one pair. He had to make sure we didn't run off. So I thought about who to bring. If I had a choice, at least. Pein might choose for us.

Sasori was a spy master. He'd easily find out if there were Naruto posters at the Walmart I was planning on bringing them. Yes, Walmart. The mall was too expensive, and Hot Topic was smack-dab in the middle of it.

Itachi was observant as well, so no shark/Uchiha duo, Hidan would cause a scene, so no zombies. Pein and Konan... no. Tobi and Zetsu? No, for the same reason as Sasori.

Deidara and Kisame were the only ones safe to bring, and they weren't even in the same pair! I might have to chance it with Kisame and Itachi. I... trusted Itachi, to a certain extent. That is, I trusted him to be himself. Loyal to a cause, that's Itachi. Thankfully, though, that cause was Konoha. Plus, he was an Uchiha. They make sure to get all the facts straight before telling anyone. Well, all Uchiha's minus a certain little duck-butt.

"Well, Savvy, what do we get 'em?" I asked.

"Eh. Clothes, food, toiletries. The necessities and nothing more," she said, sticking a fork full of egg into her mouth.

"Oi, bitch!" shouted Hidan. "I want some more fucking food!"

"Get yourself some Poptarts or something!" Savvy shouted back (after chewing, of course. She's proper like that.). "I ain't your bitch!"

I froze. Poptarts. _Shiiiiiit._

"Savvy," I said.

"Yes?"

"Poptart and Naiyomi are coming over. In October. Which is next month."

"..."

"..."

"... _Shiiiiiit._"

"My sentiments exactly."

"Who are these... Poptart and Naiyomi?" inquired Pein. I choked down giggles at the leader, who obviously did not know to be embarrassed over saying something as funny as "Poptart".

"Poptart is my bro. Not really, though. He's more of a..." I struggled to remember the family tree I had posted on my wall, but removed for more space to put my dangerous toys. "I'm not really sure," I finally admitted. "It's like a 'second cousin twice removed's, dog sitter's, best friend's, brother's, grandpa's, baby sister's babysitter' type-thing. We're related, not sure how. But we're close, so I just call him my brother."

"And Naiyomi is her actual, slightly close cousin. She's Japanese, and the cutest darn thing you ever did see," added Savvy.

Poptart... he was a teddy bear. A big, buff, over-protective, slightly intimidating teddy bear. His real name was probably something that had a "p" or a "t" in it, but everybody forgot his name since all we call him is Poptart. Heck, I don't think _he _even remembers his name!

Naiyomi, though. Cutest. Thing. EVER. She's exactly what I think an angel would look like. Short platinum blonde hair that stopped at her shoulders and my dad and uncle's blue eyes, plus her quiet personality makes her seem like the sweetest darn thing. She lives with Poptart, but they come to live here every other year for the school year. Every year they aren't here, they're here for at least one month of he summer. It might seem like I misspelleded her name, but trust me. That's how it's done. Nai- rhyming with _fly_, and -yomi, rhyming with... Stony? I dunno. I think the name fits her, though. Gentle, soft, and sweet.

"I will be sending somebody to accompany you while you shop," Pein stated. Just as I had predicted. "Itachi and Kisame will go."

…. Did I just get lucky?

Holy shit, barricade the doors, we're all gonna die!

Deaf to my mental ramblings, Savvy raised an eyebrow. "Wut?"

I blinked at her.

"No, seriously. Wut?" she repeated. "Those two won't exactly... blend in. Itachi's got a serious case of pink-eye going on over there, and Kisame is freakishly tall."

"_You're_ freakishly tall," I stated. "And there isn't any problem with_ you_."

"Why didn't she point out the whole 'part-shark' thing?" asked Kisame, obviously confused. Bless his adorable soul.

Savvy shrugged. "We're in America, hun. Land of the free, home of the Lady Gaga. It wouldn't be too noticeable."

"Lady Gaga?" asked Deidara.

"She literally wore raw meat as a dress," I deadpanned. "I don't think the US of A can get any weirder, but I suppose I've been proven wrong before."

Zetsu looked to be imagining a lady wearing nothing but raw meat and undergarments. "**Did she at least** eat the meat afterward?"

"I don't think fuckin' anyone would want to eat that shit afterward," snorted Hidan. "That's fucking _gross_."

"Says the stripper, un!" Deidara chimed in.

"Hn," Itachi commented intelligently.

"I agree," Kisame nodded, being the only one to understand Uchihanese.

"Okay!" I spoke up, hoping to prevent an all-out war in my dining room. "So, 'Tachi-san and Kisame-san will go with us shopping, and I hope all of you guys won't go crazy, alright?"

Pein nodded. "We will be able to keep them under control," he assured.

"Wait, how did we start talking about Lady Gaga in the first place?" I asked.

"We need to disguise Itachi and Kisame when out in public," Savvy reminded me.

"Okay, so I think I have some sunglasses to hide Itachi's eyes," I started, looking thoughtful. "But nobody wears sunglasses indoors... Could we pretend you just got back from an optometrist?"

Itachi blinked and the tomoes were gone. Boom! Point one for the actress!

Savvy frowned, a mixture of surprise and confusion. "Well, that solves one problem?" she said, her statement coming out as a question.

Kisame just shrugged. "I can always henge."

I racked my brain for a translation. "'Transform'? That actually sounds kind of painful."

"Is it one of those ninja things?" Savvy asked skeptically.

Sasori scoffed. "It is indeed 'one of those ninja things'. It is also one of the most simple. Even an academy graduate could do it."

"Yeah, well, we're not ninjas. Not even ninjas in training. Sooo..." Savvy trailed off.

"So f off," I finished offhandedly, rinsing off my plate and sticking it into the washer.

"The fuck is an f?" Hidan yelled.

Oh, yeah.

Japan.

They have a whole 'nother alphabet.

Soon, all four of us were ready to go.

Itachi, who hadn't felt the need to henge, had put on some of Poptart's clothes that he left at my place. Since a lot of the clothes were band stuffs or muscle shirts, I had dug around for a plain black shirt and jeans.

Kisame henge'd himself into the equivalent of Itachi's clothes, plus regular, tan, gill-less skin right after breakfast. Literally, _right after _breakfast. Like, eat the last bit of egg, then _NINJA POOF!_ And what's worse is that he did it right at the table. Yeah. He nearly made Savvy and I have heart attacks. Seriously, couldn't he have done that elsewhere?

"Okay," Savvy clapped her hands to get our attention. "The Wal-Mart is about two miles away, so it's not too bad. Let's go!" she cheered, pumping her fist in the air.

I sighed again. I hated morning people.

I led the duo of technology-deprived nin to the car. Kisame and Itachi cautiously approached Savvy's deep blue Jeep, following after me into the back seat.

I demonstrated how to put on the seat belt to the criminals and Savvy started the car.

Now, in some fanfictions the person who drives is bat-shit crazy. And yes, I am referring to my life as a fanfiction. What else could it be, if not that? Honestly, I'm just praying not to turn into a Mary-Sue simply because of my blacksmith-ing skills.

That would suck.

Majorly.

Anywhoozles, Savvy and I are both fairly decent drivers. We follow the laws, stop at stop signs, yield for old ladies, the whole she-bang.

Unless Savvy is pissed.

Because she is one of those (thankfully) rare, few people I dubbed rage-drivers.

[re: somebody who drives when angry to relieve stress by running down pedestrians and poor, unfortunate ducks.]

I shiver at the thought of those unlucky birds. May they rest in peace. Pieces. Whatever.

I zoned out shamelessly as we drove along, reaching our destination in a silence that was only broken when Savvy began to explain the do's and don't's of the shopping center.

"And never, no matter what, say yes if Dani asks you if you want to complete... The List," she instructed ominously. I woke up from my daze the moment she mentioned my name.

"What's the list?" Kisame asked.

"It's the 101 Things To Do At Walmart list," she sighed. I could tell she was itching to remove one of her hands from the wheel to pinch the bridge of her nose.

"But it's so much fun!" I complained.

"Mentally scarring children and the elderly is _not _socially acceptable!" Savvy snapped.

I slumped down in my seat, secretly smirking.

Ah, the Incident of 2012. Good times.

"What did you do?" said a voice that, surprisingly, came from Itachi.

"I didn't do much," I said, shrugging. "I barely did anything on the list."

"Sexy lingerie in a seventy year old dude's cart," Savvy coughed out.

"But I _did _freak out a cashier," I continued, pretending I hadn't noticed Savvy.

Itachi gave me a look that said _And?_

"I bought duct tape, sleeping pills, a ski mask, and a crow bar. I even did an evil laugh after paying," I said proudly.

"Why are you so-"

"ROAD! EYES! NOW!" I ordered. She turned back and narrowly avoided hitting a guy pushing around a long line of shopping carts. I then noticed we were already at our destination.

Damn.

I'm so observant.

Not.

I leaped out the door with (nearly) as much vigor as Might Gai.

"Onwards, children!" I shouted. Kisame grinned and stepped out of the car, standing next to Savvy.

Savvy blinked owlishly at him.

"You're taller than me," she observed. "Why."

She didn't ask why, she demanded.

That's just how we roll in Nevada.

Okay, no, seriously.

Savvy used to be really short when she was younger, making her self-conscious about her height. She was finally tall and proud. And this dude who just _meandered on into her life_ had two inches on her.

"I don't know. I was always like this," he shrugged.

I did a mental comparison. He didn't have two inches, only one... But I thought he was six four on the wiki? Itachi was taller than wiki had said, too. And Konan was shorter than usual. Kisame wasn't as blue as in the anime. Maybe this world was catching up on them? Side effects? Bad Naruto-wiki?

My train of thought was cut off when Savvy took me by the hand like I was a second grader and started to drag me into the store.

"Let's go, kiddo," she called unnecessarily. Dammit, why call me to follow you when you're already in the process of dragging me? This is Sasori and Deidara all over again!

The ninja and I were dragged to the clothing department where I helped her raid the discount bin. Savvy and I silently agreed nothing with any flashy designs would work with the budget we were on, let alone suit them, so with the help of the nin, we picked out some plain, long sleeve shirts for the cooler weeks to come, some T-shirts, sweat pants, (cough) boxers, undergarments for Konan, and blankets.

Savvy, the one with more understanding of fashion than I could ever dream to have, pouted at the plain clothing.

"Well, they'll just have to suck it up and look like the AV Crew 'till my significantly richer cousins come over. Hopefully these guys will be out of our hair by then, but if not, we can get some nicer things for them then," I answered easily and breezily.

"AV Crew?" Kisame questioned.

"Audio and visual crew," Savvy answered for me. "They do stuff for plays in high school and middle school, but they gotta dress all dark-like so the attention stays on the actors."

They looked like they wanted to know how we knew this. Freaking inquisitive ninja. I just ignored them.

I was surprised at the lack of shit we had to put up with this shopping trip. According to some research I did (ahem, fanfictions), normally these guys would make a scene. I suppose we _did _get lucky with the grouping, but... Luck.

It's the Potter curse. Whenever I or my dad gets something done _right _for once, something bad happens. It might be today, it might be tomorrow, but somewhere, somehow, something will go terribly, horribly wrong and the rest of the year will be blown to shit.

And, quicker than I had expected, something happened. It wasn't too bad. Just some random chick from school.

"Hey, Danica. Who're your friends?" she blatantly checked out Itachi, chewing her bubble gum like a cow and twirling a lock of hair around her finger.

"NOPE!" I shouted. F this s, I'm outta here! I knew this would turn into a fanfiction, I just _knew _it!

"What?" the bleached blonde asked from about twenty paces behind us, a bit shell-shocked.

"NO DRAMA! NEIN! NONE! NOPE!" I continued to shout, rushing my small group and our bags out of the store.

"Hey Danica, who was-"

"NO DRAMA! GET YER ASS IN THE CAR! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT! QUICKLY, BEFORE IT CATCHES US! DRIVE, WOMAN, DRIVE!"

.

**FUN FACT: Danica is very involved in clubs. Very. Drama for all of middle school, AV for ninth grade, then kendo for the entirety of high school.**

**Question Time!: Who is the Naruto world would be the least troublesome to look after in chibi form?**

**Last Chappie's Question: Kushina. Because Kushina.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: A fast update, but a short chapter. Thanks for reviewing, Guest dude!**

**Warning: Uh, language and crude humor? BTW, IT'S FINALLY BETA'D! YAAAAY!**

**.**

**Danica's P.O.V.**

**.**

Because we're such nice people, we stopped by a smoothie shop after clothes shopping.

I got my caramel-type frozen drink, Savvy got some weird pineapple thing, and we got the two boys one of those really expensive chocolate malts each.

"¿Se gustan?" I asked my passengers. "You like?"

"Yes," Itachi nodded. "These... malts are... acceptable."

Translation: Holy fuck, bro, these things are the shit. If I weren't so stoic I'd be freaking the fuck out.

"These are good," Kisame grinned. "What's this thing called? A chocolate melt?"

"Malt," Savvy corrected absentmindedly. She took a sip of her frozen pineapple as she parked the car backward into the concrete space. I helped her unload the car with the shark and the stoic weasel while Savvy opened the door with one hand (because she's just that boss).

"We come baring garments of plenty!" I announced grandly, holding my bags in the air.

Eight colorful heads poked back into the main room before rushing in to claim their stuff.

"Okay, this bag is Kisame's," I began, handing a plastic bag to her. He nodded before taking it and moving to her room. "This one is- Oi! Hidan! Move your ass!" I shouted.

"Fucking what?" he asked. I glared at him. "You're screwing up the organized bags! Yours is over by Itachi. You don't need to dig around other people's stuff and disorganize every fricking thing!"

"Screw you! This shit looks like it fits, so I'm taking it!" he shouted before running away to change out of his still-damp (because nobody wanted to dry them for him) clothes.

I sighed and passed the rest of the bags out.

"Oi! Bitch!" Hidan called, storming back in. "Why the fuck is there a bra in my bag?" he asked/demanded.

"You took Konan's," Savvy said, rolling her eyes. "Moron."

"What the fuck did you say, bitch?" he growled.

"Who're you calling a bitch, bitch?" I intercepted, leaping to my friend's defense.

I grinned, facing his glare head-on. The mark on his cheek from yesterday was barely visible by now, but you could still see the pinkish penta-lingual insult if you looked for it.

"I still have no fucking idea how you fucking bitches managed to get hits on me," he scowled.

"Maybe we're just that good?" Savvy suggested as the hostile atmosphere slowly faded.

"Good enough to stab a ninja, even one as stupid as Hidan? I doubt it," Kakuzu snorted. Hidan protested at the insult, but Kakuzu had made his point.

There was no freaking _way _that civilians like us could hit an S-Ranked nuke-nin, even slightly trained civvies, like me.

"And how I didn't know you were a girl, un," Deidara commented. "I should have been able to tell, but my vision was, and is, a bit off, yeah."

"Are you sure you just aren't stupid, brat?" Sasori drawled.

Suddenly Savvy turned on the TV, most likely to drown out the upcoming argument argument when I heard something interesting enough to make everyone in the room shut up and listen.

"-and it seems like a group of ten people, just teens and young adults, have disappeared! They were last seen going on a walk along Cordial Road yesterday during an unexpected thunder storm, close to Pines High School. Parents fear for their children and-"

I stared at the television as faces flashed across the screen. Ten people disappeared on the same day -and in the same place- ten people from another universe came...

"Okay, this can't be a coincidence," I stated as Edna (the only reporter on this network who was worth a shit) gave bits about the mysterious disappearances, telling us that there will be 'more details at eleven'.

Some of the missing people looked a lot like the Akatsuki.

A blind, blond male (a dead-ringer for Deidara), a dark skinned brunette dude (an obvious Kakuzu), a young man with optical albinism (Hidan), two dark haired, onyx eyed men, one an adult, one a teen (Tobi and Itachi), a dark-haired, six foot tall basketball player (Kisame)... The list went on.

"Maybe... You stole those guys' bodies?" Savvy suggested. "Like, you're from a different universe, right? Maybe these hikers... They look a lot like you, don't they?" She hesitated a moment, trying to gather her words in a way that would make the most sense. "Maybe your DNA was close enough for you to... for lack of a better word, _absorb_ them, so you ended up with a mish-mash of your bodies. Like how Deidara is half blind now, the blond dude who went missing was _actually_ blind. And Hidan lost some of his physical capabilities, too."

The group seemed to contemplate this idea.

They did not, however, give the poor girl some well-deserved compliments, instead choosing to eyeball her from a distance, making her squirm quietly.

"Holy shit, girl, you're a genius!" I grinned at her, breaking the serious silence and making Savvy give me one of her superer-than-super winning smiles.

"It is not a refined idea," Pein began, "but we will discuss upon it." Then he called a team meeting and left to discuss in private.

Really.

That's it.

No 'Thank you, Savanna and Danica!', no 'Good thinking, girls,' just 'It is not a refined blah blah blah nya nya nya nya nya.'

…

I didn't really _do _anything, but still! He could have at least thanked Savvy!

I sighed. "It's noon. Whaddaya want for lunch?" I asked.

"Meat," she answered.

"Will do."

.

I set the table with Savvy, sticking plates of barbeque sandwiches that were more barbeque than sandwich, plus a side of ketchup 'n fries, on the table.

"Food!" I called. The starving ninja stormed my kitchen like... starving ninja storming my kitchen.

…

I'm so sorry, that was weak. I'm just going to go hide my face from the world now. If you need me, I'll be growing mushrooms in the closet.

Zetsu blinked at the overloaded sammie. "This is quite a lot of meat **for such little bread.**"

I loved playing the clueless idiot, sometimes. "Oh, God, are you one of those preachy vegans?" I asked, making a disgusted face. "Like, I don't mind vegans, but I can't stand the preachy ones who stop you at the grocery store to tell you how inhumane eating meat is. 'Cause lemme tell you, I didn't _claw my way up the food chain_ to eat frickin' _celery_."

Zetsu looked pleased with me.

I think.

…

It's kinda hard to tell with one half of his face making different expressions than the other half, okay?

Sasori, who didn't touch his food, just left the table. Tobi ran to his room to eat, making super cute remarks on how he's a "good boy". Savvy and I cooed at him as he left.

Such an evil, psychopathic, lying, conniving, adorable boy.

Hidan and Deidara attacked Sasori's unguarded plate.

Itachi, Kakuzu, Konan, Kisame, Pein, Savvy, and Zetsu* pointedly ignored them as they continued their midday meal.

"Hey, Konan?" I asked. "Where did you put my weapons?"

"In a scroll," she answered idly.

I frowned. "Damn, those things are useful. I gotta learn how to do that someday. It'll be like Hermionie's bottomless bag."

Soon, we finished lunch and I decided to dash off an email to my cousins.

I narrowly avoided doing dishes (I'll do any chore to ever exist- hell, I'd churn butter! But I _refuse _to do the dishes.) and ran to my room, powering on my laptop.

I logged into Gmail and smashed the "Compose" button.

[New Message]

[To: Poptart&Usagi492 ] *2

[Subject: Trip Tips (IMPORTANT)]

[Ayyyyy! Konichiwa, onii-chan! Are you doing good? Terrible? Sorta-kinda in the middle? Unknown? Kool-Aid. I need to know when you're coming. Real-time, legit. Exact dates. Army time. Lol, yeah. Please. Leaving dates, too. Another thing- bring swim suits. You will need them. Dumping buckets of water balloons never looked so fun. Um... Maybe extra money, too. Bye!]

I read over my email, checking the pretty pathetic code I typed out to them. Oh, well. I wouldn't have had to do that for a while, now. They couldn't read yet, but I still wasn't taking chances.

I just stayed on my computer and read Homestuck and looked at pictures of Mituna until dinner, after that. Then Savvy forced me to finish up my homework for tomorrow- which was Friday. Halle-freaking-lujah!

After having to do something I didn't want to do, Leader-sama... Made me do something else! Dammit, gimme a break, dude!

"The kunai are not well balanced," Pein explained. "You need to fix this."

I sighed and rubbed my temples. It was nearing eleven, but dammit, I'll do it! For swordsmanship!

He gave me to Sasori to help with the new dimensions of the knives I'd have to re-make.

"Brat," Sasori greeted when he got to the surprisingly well-lit basement. I had been looking at the kunai and weighing its different parts. Meaning- yes, I had torn my knife into pieces just to re-measure its weight and dimensions. Sacrifices must be made.

"Sasori-san," I greeted in the same tone he used.

"What do you want, brat?" he asked.

"Leader-sama wants you to show me the the differences between the kunai you're used to, and my kunai," I answered.

"Yes, but what do you want?" he asked again, just to be difficult. I sighed, knowing what I'd have to do.

"I need your... hyeup."

"My what?" he asked, raising an amused puppet eyebrow.

"Your... hyulp."

"Pardon?" I was ready to smack that smug smirk off his wooden face.

"Your... h-h-h...he- hhheeeeelllp." I shuddered, not liking the feeling of using _those words_ in _that context_.

Sasori smirked and began to run me through what changes had to be made.

"The blade is too large. It should look more like a throwing one too, not a sawing one," he instructed.

"Like this?" I asked as I sketched over my original lines to make a more acute angle.

"No, you fool, like this," he scowled, erasing my marks.

And so the night began.

**.**

**Fun Fact: The smell of freshly cut grass is actually a chemical grass releases to warn other pieces of grass that it's being cut. Even though it can't really do anything about it. So it's pretty much like, "Run, dude, run! Oh, wait. We're grass. Pray to any god of your choosi- AH, IT'S GOT ME!"**

**.**

**Question Time!: What's your worst joke? Pun? Play on words that's so terrible or sad it makes children cry?**

**.**

**Bonus Question: Crack the code! It's easy, trust me. Like, a third grader could do it. It's really obvious, and if you can't get it, it's cause it's so obvious it's hidden in plain sight. Don't worry if you don't get it.**

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**Last Chappie's Question: Shikamaru. I can just leave food out for him and provide a window for cloud watching. I don't really have to build him any house or bed or clothes, really. You just need to give him food, water, and clouds. Shogi is optional.**

**.**

***Did anyone notice how I alphabetized their names? 'Cause I did.**

***2 Yeah, note that these are NOT real emails. If they are... Oops?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I 'splained some things in the last chapter, like how Dani managed to bitch-slap Hidan and Savvy managed to stab him (because we know, for how pretty she is, she kinda sucks at swinging swords around). Plus the whole "Deidara thinks Dani's a girl thing". Like, he's a ninja. He should have seen Dani's Adam's apple (or lack thereof). I had been planning on explaining that for a while, so I just need you guys to know that I'm not stupid. Sometimes. And the whole translation jutsu thing? Made by Yamanaka (cause the first thing I think of when it comes to coding and the mind is "Inoichi"), perfected by Uchiha ('cause the Sharingan is already over powered).**

**.**

**~Danica's P.O.V~**

**.**

I sighed as I pulled on some clothes, not really bothering with style.

A grey, long sleeve hooded shirt with navy blue sleeves (to hide my constantly clenching fists).

Dark blue jeans (because I don't ever wear black jeans).

Running shoes (so I can GTFO if I find my house on fire).

I carefully unplugged the modem on the computer (no internet for the ninjas, _thankyouverymuch!_) and turned on the TV, flipping to the news for any other bit I might have missed on the missing hiker case. I pulled out the batteries on the remote, just in case another channel had Naruto re-runs while we were away (the buttons on the TV were already broken thanks to an -ahem- incident with some... stuffed pentapi. We do not speak of the dark times.), and I holed these things in a box of electrical wires. Nobody would suspect a thing. Hidden in plain sight, so to speak.

"Savvy?" I asked from my place on the table. "Are you _sure _they won't burn down the house in seven hours?"

"Yes. Well, maybe," Savvy answered. Then she paused in her carrying of the dishes to the sink. "Actually, I lied. No. I'm not sure at all. In fact, I'll put money on the chance that they will find a way to break something by the time we get home."

"Where are you going?" asked a voice. We turned simultaneously to see Kakuzu standing in the doorway.

_Probably woke up at the word "money" _I thought dryly.

"School. I told Leader... -sama and Konan yesterday after dinner," Savvy said, stumbling a bit on the unfamiliar honorific.

He nodded. "I'll be sure to inform the others."

I grabbed my bag and headed out the door, following Savvy to her Jeep. She dropped me off at the bus stop and left for uni while I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. After a bit, I gave in to the temptation and plugged in my headphones.

_Well Mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue / You should've raised a baby girl, / I should've been a better son. / If you could coddle the infection, / They can amputate at once. / You should've been , / I could have been a better son!_

I calmed myself down a bit and breathed. Nothing insanely bad could possibly happen.

…

Dammit, I jinxed it.

Upon reaching the school, I charged off the bus, determined to reach my locker before anything bad could happen.

Sadly, though, I left my headphones on, allowing MCR to flow through my head. And, I do mean sadly, because had I not, I would've noticed a single, black crow with beady red eyes following me through the windows.

**.**

**(I should really decide on what my line breaks should look like...)**

**.**

I shuffled through the halls filled with school colors (because Friday is Spirit Day! Go Pines Cardinal Points! And, sadly, yes. Our mascot is a giant compass.).

While shuffling, I recalled a haiku my friend had mentally composed whilst in this situation himself.

_._

_People in the halls_

_Walk at a leisurely pace._

_Hurry the fuck up._

_._

I wanted _so desperately _to grab the people who were holding us up and chuck them out a window. Even more so when I realized the cause of my morning's misery was a couple.

Now, I have nothing really _against _couples, but seriously? They were _holding hands _and _strolling _like they were in some freaking _park. _Not only that, they were taking up the _entire hall _by holding hands at arm's length, like the other had the plague. I would have thought they did, had the two not been shooting moony eyes at each other.

I hated having my first class at the opposite end of the hall from my locker.

I grinned when a more outspoken girl commented, "Aw, you two are so _cute _together!" in a faux girly-girl voice. "But honestly? Move, 'cause my teacher's gonna have my ass if I'm late!"

The couple was then pushed to the side of the hall while the rest of the students charged into their classes. I was among them and soon dashed into my art class, sliding through the door like a pro baseball player a split second before the bell rang.

Sam and Sammy gave me fist bumps, while Samantha gave me a grin.

Yes.

My three friends at school were all Sams.

First is Samantha. We call her Samantha, and not Sam or Sammy. Mostly because then everything would get confusing. She's in Kendo with me, but she's not into anime.

Then there is Sammy. He's... Well, he's normal. Heck, all of the Sams are normal. Nobody is a total anime-loving weirdo in my group except for me, now that I think about it. Sammy and Samantha are twins. I'm not sure what exactly their parents were thinking, naming both of them Sam, but they also have a little sister in middle school named Ella. I'm sure if they had put more thought into it, they wouldn't have named their kids Sams 'n Ella.

Sam is the glue of the group. Well, I shouldn't really say that, since when the Sams are together, their personalities sorta... _merge _into one big, monotonous blob of loud.

They are, by far, some of the more _normal _kids in Pines High. They have sleep overs, Instagrams, iPhones, and chorus. Even the boys. The only thing odd is the fact that they all knew each other via internet before realizing they all had the same name.

I'm sort of an outsider. I declined invitations to parties, shopping trips at the mall, and generally being a normal teenager.

I suppose this is one of the supporting reasons why I talk to my swords when I'm alone in the house... Huh.

I took my seat with its back facing the window, and we free-drew the whole class (yay, Friday!), trying as hard as I could to push my awaiting guests at home to the back of my mind.

…

...

…

Needless to say, it didn't work. All of my pencil marks looked like piercings, plants, swirls, clouds. I gave up and chose to occupy my time drawing Konan. When asked, I just said it was a portrait of a fictional character, which was partially true.

I carefully shaded everything, careful of the charcoal I had chosen as my medium, and soon it was time to go.

I tucked my drawing of real-life Konan into my portfolio and turned to stick it in the bin when- _wait._

_Did that crow...?_

I did a double take, and sure enough, right outside the window, was a red eyed crow. Quickly as I could, I grabbed a sharpie out of the tin can in the middle of the table and drew the design of the crow's eye, and, seeing no paper left, scribbled it on the back of my hand.

It was a pinwheel-type design, black on red.

_Mangekyou._

_Those little crooks,_ I thought venomously. _Spying on me? Weirdos. Where is my lawyer? This is a total invasion of privacy!_

I scowled at my hand and grabbed all my stuff, leaving the class last.

"Oh! Danica! Don't forget to take your portfolio home, it's Friday!" my grey-haired teacher said, stuffing the manila folder into my arms.

"Oh. Oh! Uh, thanks, Miss T!" I smiled at her. Dammit, I had to take my portfolio, and its drawing of Konan home. I had been wanting to avoid bringing it to the house in hopes that I wouldn't have to show my sword designs plus random sketches of people to the criminals.

The rest of the day flew by, the only exciting thing happening during lunch when I saw the crow again. Since I had seen it in first block, it had been careful not to be spotted. Me seeing it meant it had wanted to be seen.

"Hello weird Itachi-esque crow," I greeted warily when it landed on my bench outside the school.

I carefully nudged a bit of bread crust from my sandwich towards it.

_Closer... closer... _I thought, my eyebrows scrunched together in concentration.

Then- _caw! _

"Fu-" I cussed when the crow bit me, drawing blood. It flew off and landed on a branch of the tree behind me.

"Caw!" it mocked me.

"Dammit, Itachi-san! Why does your crow hate me?" I glared at the demon bird.

The bird just eyeballed me.

"Freaky thing," I frowned, staring right back at it. "I used to like birds. And then I met you," I informed it.

"Caw!"

"Yeah, yeah," I sighed, finishing off my lunch. "Go spout 'Nevermore' or something."

And with that, I left, dropping the remainder of my food in the trash bin.

**.**

**(Seriously, I need to decide on a fancy squiggle or some shit to put in between scenes)**

**.**

Savvy picked me up from school, saying she had left early.

"We weren't doing anything and I decided to do something nice for you. I'm not terrified at all of what I might see when we get home. Yup, I'm sure Pein's got it under control," she rambled, drumming her fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. "Did we throw out the fireworks?" she asked.

"No."

Savvy floored it.

**.**

**(La~!)**

**.**

Savvy swerved into the space, parking backwards like she was in Tokyo Drift.

We charged out, Savanna only pausing to lock the car behind us. She fiddled with the lock muttering, "C'mon, c'mon, work with me here!" The lock finally clicked. "Yes!"

I pushed her out of the way and slammed my shoulder into the door, opening it up to see...

Damn.

The place was fine.

"All that worry for nothing?" I asked.

Pein came in the main room. "I do believe I can keep my own organization under control."

"Oh. Right. Hehe, yeah, sorry for... doubting ya, I guess?" I said sheepishly, rubbing the back of my head.

Pein nodded stoically and turned back around, probably to go to the

_FWOOSH!_

The kitchen caught on fire. Smoke began billowing out a wall socket. A flaming tire rolled towards us and fell over, spinning around a bit until it settled.

"Dammit, Tobi, un! I told you not to do that!" Deidara cried, standing up from his place hiding behind the half wall.

"Tobi is sorry, senpai!" Tobi cried, running into the room.

Zetsu morphed out of the floor to save the cacti in the kitchen from the fire.

Pein pinched the bridge of his nose.

Hidan came running in, shirtless and cussing. He tipped over the vase Kakuzu had saved last night, and, Kakuzu, being unable to save it once more, glared harshly at him. The miser charged at him, upset at his trashing the house and its valuables.

Konan sighed from her spot on the couch, flipping through the first three volumes of Fruits Basket I had found last night, untranslated.

Sasori had, at some point, come in the room and managed to insult Tobi, Deidara, and Deidara's art in one sentence. This sparked up a three way argument for Tobi (who insisted he was still a "good boy"), Deidara (who just went on an art rant), and Sasori (who smirked and waited patiently for an opportunity to use unfailingly accurate logic against Deidara's idiotic spiel).

Zetsu was now ignoring all the others and was in the middle of a heart-to-heart with the "traumatized"cacti that I recalled Savvy naming El Jefe. Or Gefe. Hefe? I wasn't sure, sometimes she just called it Jeff.

The fire, having died down a bit, soon came back with a vengeance.

Kisame started up a water bomb-type jutsu.

"Oh my goodness, wait, wait!" Savvy yelled, jumping in front of him and flailing her arms.

"I'm trying to put the fire out," Kisame told her, confused.

"It's an electrical fire, Kisame! You can't put water on it or it'll start up again," she explained quickly, fretting a bit.

"Oh." The land faring shark had the decency to look sheepish.

Me? I was freaking out.

"Oh my God, this is just like tumblr in real life!" I shouted. "You think everything is fine and dandy and _sane_, but then you log on and _suddenly nothing makes sense anymore!"_

Savvy had frozen in shock once noticing the severity of the fire before turning around, closing the door behind her, locking it, unlocking it, and opening it again.

I just stared at her.

"Damn," she sighed. "I was hoping they'd be gone if I did that."

"Freaking heck," I sighed. I got out a fire extinguisher and sprayed down the flaming tire, the kitchen, Tobi's left foot, and the flaming box of fire works that had already been set off (Something about this bothered me. Had I set off those fireworks earlier this year? I didn't think I did. Did I?).

And where was Itachi through all this?

Then I noticed something else.

"_Who the fuck ate the rest of my brownies?_"

[Following these events, I realized I was dressed for fleeing but completely forgot my GTFO shoes were on, and, instead instead of GTFOing, had stood there like an idiot for a few seconds. And following _those _events, I smacked the palm of my hand against my forehead.]

.

**Fun Fact: There is a total of 24 minutes of just staring in the Twilight Saga. Holy shit, dude, I thought there'd be more than that.**

**.**

**Question Time!: Favorite color. Hyuckhyuckhyuck I'm so unoriginal.**

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**Last Chappie's Question: [Inset generic bear pun here]. Seriously. BEAR PUNS. **

"**I HOPE YOU'RE ****_BEAR_****-Y PRE-****_BEARED_**** FOR THIS UN-****_BEAR_****-ABLE ****_BEAR_**** OF A BATTLE!"**

**.**

**Bonus Question!: Just... Every capital letter. Take every letter at the beginning of each sentence and smash 'em together. Figure it out yourself, ducklings.**


	8. Something Important

So. Everything on my computer- Chapters and rough drafts for ALL my stories (including the next three chapters for the new _Code HISBI!_ story, and unedited chapter for _I Propose a Toast, and_ an omake), pictures, _music_, games, skits, lyrics to songs, sax sheet music, cheesy poems I wrote years ago to get my angst out, old reports I had to do for school (though those aren't so important right now), bookmarked stories I held onto to favorite whenever I couldn't get on my account, links to songs, Minecraft single player worlds, MY LIFE- was deleted.  
Okay.  
Okay.  
Okay!  
_O-FUCKING-KAY!_  
_GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE THIS GODDAMN UNIVERSE  
LEMME FIND SOMEONE TO THROTTLE  
I WANT BLOOD_

_-sigh-_

So. I won't be updating until I can get my shit together again, sometime about next month-ish. So very sorry about this, but the universe is being a jackass again. Combine that with my usual personal life bullshit, and you get a temporary hiatus. Don't worry, though, I'll try to update sometime around the week after New Year's.

((btw, I actually had a saved picture of an adorable toddler Naruto and Kurama snuggling and looking cute and sorry in case I had to do shit like this, but FUCK MY LIFE))


End file.
